black clover never let them make you crawl

The True Burger Challenge

There are few things in life I cherish more than fresh local food with good people and great conversation. It’s in part what has lead me around the world and into your backyard, that magic that is tableside whenever you sit down with others to stuff your maw. So imagine what might happen when that food isn’t quite so fresh and isn’t quite so local.
To settle a recent score in the burger world between friends, I needed to find the best hamburger around. The idea was simple. Find the best expression of a burger in the Seattle area. I needed four idealistic panelists as zealous and discriminating about ground meat on a bun as I was. Passionate and opinionated, stubborn and outspoken. Under considering were 14* local hamburger joints (no chains) in the greater Puget Sound area. The burger would be judged independent of price. The rules were simple. One regular unmodified menu cheeseburger would be tasted by all four judges, ordered medium if asked, and given marks in five simple categories.

Bun. Meat. Cheese. Vegetables. Sauce & Miscellaneous.

We adorned our appetites and attitude and set off on an eight and half hour eating frenzy. To recommend your favorite joint for the next true burger challenge hit us up here – burgerchallenge@blackclover.org

XXX Rootbeer ($7.75)
“If we do well, come back and let us know. If we don’t do well, don’t say anything”. The immortal humorous words of the owner. Well guess what pal. We haven’t come back, have we?
Loads of bun, good bun but oily on the outside. The meat was measly portioned. Such a sad paltry patty size really. The cheese was nicely placed but otherwise regular American cheese. The veggies were turning, mostly lettuce, more lettuce then one could ever possibly hope for, and the sauce was thick syrupy and omnipresent, this shit was everywhere and it was mediocre Russian dressing with too many little pickle pieces. The overall consensus, this was an unremarkable overpriced burger that made up for its small meat patty by covering it up with a bucket of shredded lettuce and a ladle of sauce. *Most Overpriced Burger Award

Two Bells Tavern ($8.95)
Beautifully fragrant this burger was served on a nice fresh baguette roll with gorgeous fresh veggies on the side, the meat looked like freshly killed cow matter cooked to perfection just as we ordered with a nice chunked slice of Tillamook cheddar. A nice simple sauce adorned the bun and we had for the first time a decent burger on our hands. Unfortunately there’s a reason for those fresh leafy greens and crisp veggies on the side. No vegetables or condiments could fit properly on this pinchos fucking army ration. For $9 this isn’t a burger, this is a tapas. And although I know, like most good things in life, it’s the quality that matters not the quantity. Unfortunately for us, in the hamburger world one requires enough quantity to even taste the quality. *Best Meat Award

Blue Moon ($4.99)
If the name blue moon is any indication of what’s under the bun, this burger is aptly named. A waxing meat crescent. A waning sliver of burger in the sky. ¼ lb of meat where? This is a bun with a meat token hidden inside. And with such quality meat, why would you freeze it? Now the bun was quality but sadly, and surprisingly, not toasted. The regular cheeseburger came with Tillamook cheddar stock and although the vegetables weren’t bad, it was the sauce that won critical acclaim. A nice light, shall I dare say fresh, mayonnaise based dressing was stellar. Overall this was a place with potential, but unfortunately potential doesn’t get you anything in this game.*Most Potential Award

Burger Hut ($3.74)
The critically acclaimed hangover burger of choice on the university Ave in Seattle. A simple store front in an otherwise happening place, how bad could this place be? Well. Bad. The bun was not only untoasted but doughy and raw, worst yet it was slathered in thick old ketchup. You know, the thick and heavy syrup of sugar and tomato sludge conveniently aged. And if that wasn’t enough how about 9 pumps of this vile shit on your burger? The veggies were soggy and scarce, the tomato a sad testament to the state of affairs in the burger veggie world. Thin. Limp. Small. And not fresh. The cheese was disgusting, Kraft cheese in a plastic present wrapper. It was barely luke warm, unmelted and just plain disgusting, And then there was the beef. Or was there? A razor thin limp disc of soggy, bland, barely noticeable brown smear on our bun. Some thought it was just a well uniformed congealed sauce, others thought it could have been meat. Still others didn’t know what it was. The best part about the Burger Hut is the smoke shop next door. Grab yourself a cigar and put something tasty in your mouth. *Best Location Award (next to a cigar shop)

Dicks ($1.30)
The immortal legend in Seattle. For what, I’m not sure I know exactly, but when you need to lower your alcohol-blood level at 3am this place gets the job done. Because of the size of the burgers, or lack thereof, we had to order two cheeseburgers to taste. The bun reminds me of wonder bread, that over the top white bread devoid of nutrients and anything chemically valuable. Meat-wise this place is well, mediocre. For 6 cents or whatever a burger here runs you can’t complain too loudly. Unlike some places you can actually find your patty on the bun. But the cheese, dear god. This isn’t even cheese is it? This shit looks like a black light poster, some kind of artificial glowing neon cheese. I would hate to see it under a lamp in CSI. With no veggies on the burger at all we move right to the ketchup and mustard which was your straight stock standard. Decently tasty fresh as you would expect. All and all, don’t believe the hype. Dick’s serves it purpose for what it is, and that is all. *Best Hours of Operation Award

Red Mill ($3.49)
The perennial favorite going into this competition. Among the true burger crowd in Seattle this place is highly decorated. Right off the bat, this place is packed. A shoe box to begin with we couldn’t even get in the door there were so many patrons. The regular cheese burger was a bit on the small side when it arrived immediately the eyes were drawn to the bun. An immaculate bun as close
to perfection as you are likely to find. Toasted and crisp on the outside, yet soft and almost chewy on the inside, minus the oily gross jizz on the outside like most places. Vegetables were quite lacking, some ok lettuce and that’s about it. For the record, Red Mill typically has gorgeous veggies but for the purposes of testing, the lame lettuce was kinda weak. The meat was nice and juicy, very tasty and quite good. Impressive for the price point. The cheese was good, evenly melted and spot on. The homemade millsauce received mixed reviews. All and all this is worth a stop. Impressive burgers and extremely generous portions for the price. *Best Bargain Award **Best Walk-Up Burger Joint

Scooters ($4.29)
A little stand in Ballard with numerous plaques and awards adorning the entrance, some of which are copies of the same exact award for the same exact year from the same exact place. Nice try. The bun was the highlight of the journey here. A quality bun toasted just right. The meat was WAY overdone. It looked medieval in a way, with heavy char on its leathery outside. My god man, do you ever clean your damn grill? Ever? No seriously, have you ever once cleaned your grill? This burger patty couldn’t even pass an emission test with its carbon count. Veggies were ok, some highlights and some low lights and way too many pickles. The cheese was pretty much par for the course, not good, not bad, just there. Sadly 1000 island dressing was called in to cover up and drown the inferior blackened patty. A shocking yet familiar practice.*Dirtiest Grill Award

Gordos ($Priceless)
If there ever was a burger to make me go vegetarian and give up meat forever, hell if there ever was a burger to get me to give up food forever, this was it. That crusted old tangy yellow mustard coated the bun like a thick unstoppable bio lab culture. And the cheese, good god. Looked like prep was done by someone with no passion for food or humanity whatsoever. Strands of luke warm pre-prepped frozen taco cheese out of the pouch towering half melted and cold in the middle. And the bun, fuck me. A half baked bun still raw, like a steamed Chinese humbow topped with seeds. People in prisons eat better bread. 3 of the 4 panelists spit this thing out. Even the Seattle area seagulls had a difficult time with it. I’m convinced there is simply no burger anywhere as vile, disgusting, and evil as the Gordo cheddar burger. *Worst Burger Period Award

The Ranch Drive In ($4.48)
If there was a burger that did absolutely nothing great, and absolutely nothing horrendous, this might have to be it. With a nice all around bun (although untoasted), unremarkable yet edible meat, the normal old fixins and condiments, this burger did alright. Unfortunately the disgusting cheese saw the burger tumble down the charts. Gross, fake, half-melted wanker cheese sums up all you really need to know. Real cheese on their burgers and we might have a reasonable contender. *No Award Award

The Slip ($7.25)
As the only place on the challenge that had a peanut butter burger, I was not expecting anything but doom to come out of this kitchen. Another shoe box establishment, the cook proudly boasted that her burger would win. And though for awhile it seemed as though we would be judging the burger tomorrow, when the food actually did make it out of the back room, it was good. The best of the day? Hardly. What appeared to be either an egg or potato bun, the small little roll was very good and very fresh. Our burger was not cooked as requested but to be fair, I think they thought we were health inspectors and cooked our meat accordingly. Despite that, the meat was nice, a decent sized patty and very tasty. The cheese was a nice slice of Colby jack which was delicious. The veggies were ok at best and truly what held this burger back from the leading pack. Yesterday’s fresh vegetables do not make a great burger tomorrow. The wasabi-mayo received mixed reviews and if anything, they do a reasonable burger here. The cook, however, is delusional. *Dumb Sauce Award

The Goose Pub & Eatery ($7.00)
If you’re looking for the place least likely to serve you a good burger, here it is. What is seemingly a seedy pull-tab bar laced with bowling alley characteristics and turning at the edges, this isn’t a place that screams good burgers. But my friend, be patient. You might be surprised. We were. The bun, although not horrible, was simply your hamburger bun off the shelf at your favorite local grocery store. Untoasted, bland, and dull albeit fresh. The meat was good and fresh. In the upper tier of the burgers we tasted, certainly not the best expression of hamburger but really well done. It had a nice thickness, was very plump, juicy, and tasty. The cheese was the prototype weak ass American cheese, nicely melted. The veggies were fresh, crisp, clean and all around beautifully done. Burger came with mayo and nothing else. In the end I would say a burger truly is more than a sum of its parts. The Goose only furthers my hypothesis. Even with all around quality in meat, bun, veggies, cheese, and sauce, not all food comes together as it should in that happy confluence of ingredients and magic. *Most Surprising Burger Award

The Pumphouse ($8.95)
Only a stone’s throw or so away from The Goose, the Pumphouse is staple in the eastside burger underworld. Friendly staff, large beers, and a nice cozy atmosphere, the only question left to ask was could they make a decent burger? The bun was toasted, fresh and simple beautiful. The burger was juicy, good sized and appetizing, unfortunately like nearly every place in our challenge, the burger was not cooked as requested. The cheese was real, perfectly melted and centered on the patty. The veggies were nice and crisp and the sauce was a very charming whipped mayonnaise style dressing. Most panelists agreed that the burger would have been better off with half the dressing however. Be sure to order a giant stein and a ½ pound burger each to end your challenge (as we did). *Best sit-down burger
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In the end we had a general consensus on the winner(s) and the analysis of the data gathered generally supports the consensus but with some variation. Complied together here are the results
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Best Sit Down burger– the Pumphouse
Best Walk Up Burger – Red Mill Burgers
Best Meat – Two Bells Tavern
Most Over-rated Burgers – Dick’s
Most Overpriced Burgers – (Tied) XXX’s burgers & Two Bells Tavern
Worst Burger Period – Gordo’s
Best Value – Red Mill Burgers
Most Surprising Burger – The Goose Pub & Eatery

In the end I’m not sure we found the best expression of a burger in the area. As I say in the wine world, trust your mouth not mine. And as part of that line of thinking the recommendations of places we missed and emails on the matter since the challenge ended are nearly limitless, which only means we will have to do this again. And next time, my personal favorite burger in Seattle will be judged and I’m bringing an even larger panel. After all, it’s not really about the burgers now is it.

To recommend your favorite joint for the next true burger challenge hit us up here

*All Burger Challenge Shots can be seen here
*Special thanks to GT, Bourbon Mike, and Cryp.
*Wibbley’s Burger was closed. Daly’s Drive In was shut down.